


Sweaty Palms and Butterflies

by deanlovescastielswormstache



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-02-10 16:41:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2032278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanlovescastielswormstache/pseuds/deanlovescastielswormstache
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James has given up all hope of ever getting Lily Evans to become his girlfriend. He ponders how every little thing she does drives him crazy. Will James be able to see her only as a friend after all these years of pining after her? And what does Lily think? Oneshot, even if a bit on the long side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sweaty Palms and Butterflies

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first fanfic I ever wrote (before I started shipping so many gay couples). I thought I should upload it on her for old times' sake....

Merlin, she was irritating. The way she sat next to him, her long curtain of hair over her shoulders, brushing his arm every so often. Sometimes she would lean down closer to the desk in order to write faster, her hair spreading over the whole desk, a coppery fire. In those moments there was nothing he wanted to do more than run his fingers through those curly strands that so often filled his mind. But those thoughts were dangerous territory, best left alone. James vowed not to look at her again, not to let her affect him, not to even look out the corner of his eye. Well, maybe the corner of his eye was ok, he decided as she started doodling on her parchment. His eyes followed her slim hands as they gracefully glided across the parchment, leaving inky lines that arched and flowed. He started to turn his head to get a better look at her sketch of Sirius with a curly French mustache and an eye patch but caught himself just in time. He was already in the danger zone; he didn't want to get in any deeper.

It was a precarious position he was in. He was her fellow Head Student and even a good friend. They had become friends last year as James lost some of his attitude, but most importantly, stopped asking her out. Now she was even part of the gang. She and Sirius were the best of chums. James didn't even try to understand their relationship, he was just happy that they no longer hated each others guts. Remus had always been a good friend of hers, with his comparatively studious behavior and being a fellow Prefect. Peter, well, he was always happy to tag along.

James now found that he and Lily could spend hours in each others company talking and that he could even make her laugh. James loved making people laugh, but nothing made him happier than making Lily laugh. That was another irritating thing about her. Her laugh was like sunshine, it was bright and addicting and before you realized it, without even knowing that it was dangerous, you were burned. But James never learned his lessons from sunburns and he didn't know how to stop himself from making her laugh. By the time he realized how dangerous it was, it was too late. He was hooked. Her laugh started as a giggle in the back of her throat and she tried to contain it, clamping her hand over her mouth, her whole body shaking with laughter until it burst out of her mouth, like a bird suddenly launching into flight. Once it had managed to escape her mouth the case was lost. She would often laugh so hard she would have to sit down or even flop on to the ground or some unfortunate (fortunate if it was James) person because her legs could no longer support her. Her green eyes would squeeze shut and her nose would scrunch up in amusement. Her straight white teeth would flash and her hair would be everywhere. James could see it now in his minds eye. Her laugh was contagious. He could never help but grin when she laughed, watching her. In these moments he allowed himself to enjoy the warm feeling in his stomach and the swell of his heart, allowed himself to imagine that they could be more, were more.

But they weren't. They were only friends. Lily made it perfectly clear to him on the Hogwarts Express that if they were going to work together as Heads, James better keep up his good behavior and refrain from asking her out. Ok, not in those exact words, but that was definitely the message. That was two months ago. And he had come to realize that he needed her like he needed oxygen. James couldn't be anything more than a friend, so that's what he decided he would be to have her around, even if it was tearing him apart inside to be so close to her and not give in to the urge to pull her into his arms.

It would be so much easier if she weren't so bloody annoying. Godric, it irritated him to no end when she stumbled, sleepy eyed, into the bathroom in the morning with her bed-tousled hair and her unicorn pajamas. To sit next to her at breakfast, her coconut and vanilla scent assaulting him as he read the Daily Prophet, how it had become more necessary than breakfast. James wasn't satisfied if he hadn't smelled her during breakfast. It was like food for his soul. And he could no longer read the Prophet without remembering how she smelled after her shower. That Muggle tune she was always humming to herself, by a group called The Beatles. Weird name for a group. The tune followed her everywhere and he often found himself humming it as well, before he stopped, embarrassed at having hummed _her_  song. Her curiosity and enthusiasm when she asked him about Quidditch and Transfiguration, the only things she can _really_  ask him about because she was always the smarter one. How she invited him to study with her in the Library, which he always accepted. Not that James ever did much studying around Lily. He was not even paying attention in class and he was Head Boy! That way she looked into his eyes sometimes, her trust shining through those emerald orbs, the look that always made him feel guilty because deep down, James longed to look at her without having to mask how he really felt about her.

James was brought back to the present as her leg brushed his under the table. Fortunately, or perhaps it was unfortunately, the school uniform for girls was a skirt. This meant that her bare leg had brushed against his trousers (boy's uniform). She didn't seem to notice, but James froze as tingles ran through him from that one spot she had touched, shooting through his body at lightning speed. He attempted valiantly to pay attention to the animal transfigurations McGonagall was lecturing about, pushing his glasses up and running his large hand through his already tousled hair, a nervous habit he had picked up which always showed itself around Lily. Without fail. In the end, he lost the fight, giving up even the pretense of taking notes.

That's all his life was anyway, a bloody farce. Pretending he was a good Head Boy, pretending he was just friends with the woman he loved, pretending he wasn't worried about the war raging outside the castle walls, pretending not to be scared to read his parents names in the Daily Prophet under the list of the Dead or Missing, which grew longer and longer every week. He was tired of pretending he wasn't apprehensive of life after Hogwarts, or pretending that he had his future planned out. He was tired of pretending to be strong. The only thing that let him take his mind off things was Quidditch. He could leave his fake self on the ground with all his problems and frustrations and for a time be free.

 _James?_  Merlin, even her handwriting irritated him. He pretended (yet again) to not notice her curling script on his parchment. _James, I know you can see this. I need to talk to you._  Sighing, he picked up his quill.

**What do you want?**

_You seem really off today. Are you ok?_

**I'm fine. Why are you so worried anyway?**

_Because you're my friend_ _James. Does that word ring a bell to you? You know, we have fun together and you tell me all your secrets. Most people have them._  The word friend was underlined, like she knew what he had been thinking. The word was like a punch in his stomach, or a bucket of cold water to the face. It taunted him from the parchment. James felt sick. Lily nudged the parchment closer, forcing him to answer.

**I do not! Why don't you tell me any of your secrets?**

_Because I don't have any…_  Lily had more secrets than any other person he knew, even Sirius-who, while a loud enthusiastic prat, rarely told James how he was feeling or what was happening in his life. His cheer was just a shield. And a very good one at that. Lily had a different sort of shield. She hid behind books and studying.

**Yes you do! Don't be a prat!**

_Me! A prat! Out of the two of us, you are the prat._ And Merlin did he know it.

**Am not. I'm the handsome knight in shining armor.**

_You're a wanker._

**So? All the ladies want me anyway.**  Except for Lily.  _She_  didn't want him. He quickly pushed the thought away. If there was anything James Potter had learned in his past six years of experience with Lily Evans it was that train of thought never got him anywhere.

_You can think whatever you want Potter. I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I know you haven't heard from your parents in a while and that you're worried, even though you don't want anyone to know that._

**Thanks. They're fine. I heard from them this morning. But don't tell anyone I'm worried. I'd rather their Head Boy be confident.**

_Oh James, you already are a perfect Head Boy, the best I could ask for, even if you are a tosser._

**Oh Evans, don't. You are too kind. I'm blushing.**  He had a shield too. Humor. And he was glad he had it so he didn't go spilling his guts out to Lily ages ago. There were several times his humor shield saved him from completely sabotaging their relationship and causing a lifetime of regret. There were other times when his shield had been the only thing that helped him save face when Evans called him a "bullying toerag" or turned down his generous offers to Hogsmede. Without it, people would have known how far down his feelings reached and would have laughed at how Lily Evans had the Quidditch captain eating out of her hand.

_Shut it Potter. Anyway, I have to talk to you after class. On the way to our tower maybe?_

**Yeah, I have free next. What do you want to talk about? How you are so much more superior to your tosser of a Head Boy?**

_No, just Head stuff Dumbledore wants us to do. And I have a question for you…_

**Really? Why not ask now? We have nothing better to do.**

_Because it is a conversation we must have in private. Besides I'm already too far behind in Transfiguration to pass notes. Just wait for me after class ok?_

**Fine.**

And then she turned back to her notes, but not before shooting him a grateful smile. James grinned back, but inside he was yet again frustrated. Why did she have to torment him so? She seemed to be flirting with him and then she would just stop. He was confused and he hardly bothered to hide it. And worst of all, why did he always give in to her? He had sacrificed his chance to be with her to be friends, given up pranking to become Head Boy and now she was stomping all over his heart. But he could never refuse her. She was his greatest weakness and James hated that he could do nothing about it.

So he grinned at her as she was constantly by his side with her irritating coconut vanilla scent and her pesky red hair and her vexing green eyes and that bloody Muggle tune. Her stupid air of confidence and her awful habit of scrunching up her nose when she laughed. It was damn near impossible to think when each one of her imperfections twisted his heart. He laughed at his weakness, trying not to notice the sinking of his stomach every time Lily went to Hogsmeade with another guy or when she laughed off his advances.

What made it even worse is that the Heads had their own rooms. They had a separate Head Common Room, bathroom and two bedrooms. James was practically  _living_  with Lily. He saw her in the morning before she took a shower. He saw her in her pajamas. He saw her struggle with her Transfiguration homework and her indulgence of sugar quills. He saw the books she read and the fuzzy bunny slippers she wore around the common room and the Muggle clothes she liked to wear on the weekends. It was like a Lily overdose. It had taken a while to get used to the fact that Lily  _slept_  in the room next to his and that he saw a side to her that no one else had. James saw her bad days and the times she would just curl up on the couch staring at the fire. He saw her fall asleep on the armchairs more than once. And the worst thing is, this didn't lessen his feelings. Seeing this other side to her made her all the more real, yet unattainable she was to him. Living with her made him fall in love with her even more and that was bloody irritating. James couldn't help but rejoice in the fact that he was part of her daily life and he hoped to stay there, even though he knew that there was no chance of that happening. He thought back to when the cursed hope had started.

It was late and James had just gotten back from the full moon escapade. As he walked into the Common Room he noticed that Lily was curled up in the armchair, asleep. She had waited up for him to make sure he got back safely. She knew all about Remus and the Animagi forms. Usually he put her on the couch and draped a blanket over her but the last few times James had actually dared to carry her to bed. He felt obligated to do so as she had waited up for him to make sure he was all right. He couldn't just leave her there. James was scared that if he touched her she would wake and yell at him but he couldn't help himself. She was surprisingly light in his arms, and warm. Her hair had hung like a curtain over his arm, tickling his bare skin with its thick strands. Her head had curled into his shoulder and she had cuddled into him. She  _fit_  like no other girl had. Like she was meant to be in his arms. James had walked her into her room. He had only been in there a few times but every time he felt like he was seeing her with all her layers peeled back. It was Gryffindor colors-gold and red. Her bed had a red bedspread and as he had lain her down James chuckled to himself at how her hair clashed with the red of her pillow.

Her room was decorated with many pictures- both wizard and Muggle pictures. There were a few with her family that stood still and one with her and her sister, back when they were younger, hugging each other. James knew the relationship between them had deteriorated since she had come to Hogwarts but he also knew the Lily couldn't help but love everyone, even when they called her a freak like her sister so often did. There were a few wizard photos of her friends. He smiled at the one with her and the Marauders. She had her arms around Sirius and Remus and her head was thrown back laughing. James was messing up his hair and glancing over at her. Peter was grinning at the camera and Sirius was looking proud at the joke he had just told. Remus was rolling his eyes and shaking his head, but smiling, albeit reluctantly. Moving on, James frowned at the picture of her and Snape. He knew they had been friends but that it had ended. He couldn't understand why she had a picture of him. Before James could think too much on it, another picture caught his eye. It was of the two of them. He didn't even know that this picture had been taken. They were sitting at the Beech tree by the Great Lake. Their arms were slung around each other, and they were leaning on each other laughing at something he had said. His hair was as messy as ever and his glasses were askew. Her face was scrunched up and her green eyes were dancing as she looked up at James. The sunlight shone through the tree branches casting a ray of sunshine upon them, like halos. It was a perfect picture. James was happy to know she had a picture of them and that it occupied an auspicious place, her bedside table.

Something grew in his chest, something called hope. And hope was the most dangerous feeling of them all. Because he held on to the image of that picture on her bedside table ever since, hoping that he had made headway, that she would see reason. And it was this hope that kept James going on those sleepless nights, tossing and turning in bed, thinking of all the ways he could win her over, but knowing that he would never actually put them into action for the fear of losing her altogether.

If he had never found that picture he would have known that Lily was not at all interested, but now that the picture had come into play, James couldn't help but to read into all of her actions, trying to find any sign that she was interested. This of course led to him focusing on her every movement and expression and Lily was noticing. Of course, James was always watching Lily but she must have noticed the new intensity of his gaze. Not only was Lily noticing, but James found that if he thought hard enough anything could be a sign that her feelings had changed. James had fallen into the trap of reading too much into Lily's actions before and now it seemed he was doing it all over again.

The bell rang and immediately the class was filled with noise. The students were putting away their parchment and quills, chairs scraping and books thudding shut. James followed, though he took his time as he had a free period next and did not have another class to hurry off to. Lily was talking to him about something McGonagall had said about the animal transfigurations and he just nodded, only listening with one ear. Besides, animal transfiguration for him was quite easy, considering he  _was_  an Animagus. He slung his bag over his shoulder and Lily followed suite, walking alongside him to their tower.

The conversation turned to Head duties. The Patrol schedule had yet to be written and as the weather was still nice, they came to a mutual agreement: they would write up the schedule during this free period under their beech tree by the Lake, enjoying some last rays of sunshine before winter set in. Stopping by their Common Room in order to drop off their schoolbooks they headed outside into the golden rays. Lily still hadn't approached the topic she told him she wanted to talk about in the note. But he didn't press. James knew Lily; she would talk about it when she brought it up and not before. She had to calculate all the possible ways the conversation would go, all the outcomes and the best way to put her thoughts into words. Only then would she approach a subject. That is, if she brought up the topic. If she was confronted, she usually ended up angry, spitting out the wrong words and regretting it later. Therefore, James, being a wise man in the ways of Lily, if not his own heart, gave her the time she needed, knowing she would come to it when the time was right.

They settled under their beech tree, the one in the picture beside Lily's bed. The breeze rustled through the leaves and made an even bigger mess of the mop on James' head but he didn't mind. He knew his hair drove Lily crazy and frankly, he liked driving Lily crazy because it meant she had to  _really_  notice him. Lily pulled out a piece of parchment and her inkwell. James contributed a slightly rumpled quill from the pocket of his school trousers. Lily rolled her eyes at him but laughed anyway at his  _what-do-you-expect-from-me?_  look. She drew up the timetable and together they worked out who would patrol with who and started filling in the boxes with names. How could Lily even draw such straight lines anyway? James found his mind wandering along with the breeze that swooped and soared over the lake, the Whomping Willow, Hagrid's pumpkin patch and hut, the Quidditch field and far off in the distance the Forbidden forest. Lily had to call his attention back to the schedule several times.

However, James' mind was not so far off that he did not notice that she put them together every time without even questioning it. Heads normally patrolled at least once together but not every time. He said nothing; he'd take Lily over Bellatrix Black or Snape any day. He couldn't ignore the jump in his stomach when he saw their names in the same tidy box in her perfect curly handwriting. He pretended to, however, as James was want to do. In fact, he was so used to pretending that sometimes he didn't realize that he had his shield up. It had almost become second nature to him. Sometimes he felt like a shell of himself but he pretended not to notice, instead focusing his attention on Quidditch and Head duties, not to mention the increasing workload the teachers had been piling on their N.E.W.T. students. So he pretended not to notice that they were always together on the schedules Lily wrote and kept his mouth shut.

Eventually the schedule was done. Lily blew on the ink, attempting to aid it in the process of drying. There was a lull in the conversation and they both lay back against the tree, enjoying the last moments of freedom.

"Are you going to Hogsmeade this weekend?" Lily broached the topic that James had pretended was not between them.

"Yeah. You?" He glanced over at her as she nodded.

"You going with anyone?"

"Nah. You?" James attempted to be casual about his question, knowing that his relationship with her was still at risk. He did however brace himself for the worst.

"No. There is someone I want to go with but he hasn't asked me yet…" she trailed off and his heart sank. Of course she wanted to go with someone. She hadn't been hung up on the same person for the past four years. She was beautiful and desirable and not his. James pretended not to be disturbed by this piece of information. In fact, he chose to see it as her confiding in him, trusting him more than the bloke she wanted to ask out.

"Oh?" James winced as that came out of his mouth. He didn't want to hear more about Lily's crush, but he knew he had to.

"You know him."

"I do?"

"Yes. I was wondering if you could talk to him and find out if he was interested in going to Hogsmeade with me." James struggled to keep his calm veneer, which was severely threatened by the fury and desperation bubbling under the surface.

"Of course Lils." James would do it, if only to keep her close to him. "Who is he?"

Lily leaned in and her lips brushed his ear as she whispered the name of the git she wanted to go to Hogsmeade with. "His friends call him… Prongs. Others know him as James." She pulled back, laughing at his face and stood up saying "see if you can persuade him for a date in Hogsmeade. If he can't be swayed I guess the giant squid is always a viable option. Prongs has until dinner. Then I will pay a visit to my dear squid friend." She turned and left, leaving James staring after her. She wanted to go out with him?

She wanted to go out with him. James. He shut his mouth, which he had only now noticed was open. His heart was pounding and his brain did not seem to be able to compute the fact that Lily wanted him to ask her to Hogsmeade. Lily liked him.  _Lily_  liked him. Lily  _liked_  him. Lily liked  _him._ After years of pining after her and givingup every hope of ever having a chance, she had practically asked him sprung up to his feet wanting to run after her, but she was already gone. Instead he ran around in the sunshine, jumping and fist pumping and even doing a victory dance (though he would later deny being so childish; he was Head Boy after all, and he had a reputation to maintain).

There was absolutely no way James could go to class at this point and besides, it was only History of Magic. Now was the time to come up with the perfect way to ask Lily out. James spent the remaining two hours until dinner trying to think of a clever way to ask Lily out. He had many ideas but he discarded most of them. They either were too elaborate to pull off in two hours of Lily wouldn't like them. So when he trudged back up to their Common Room before dinner he still had no idea what he was going to say.

He walked into the Common Room, letting the portrait swing shut behind him and immediately spotted Lily, sitting by the window working on an essay. He took a second to take a deep breath, not daring to look at her. James knew this was his only chance. He didn't have any words prepared or any brilliant way to ask her out. But he knew that was the way Lily would prefer it. James felt like he was going to throw up. This was it. His hands were trembling, his palms sweaty, yet his voice was steady. "Lily?"

She looked up at him with those green eyes and everything left his head. He had no idea what he should say, yet he knew he only had this last chance. So he took a deep breath and opened his mouth, letting the words flow out of his mouth before he could realize what he was saying, for the first time not  _pretending,_ just _feeling._

"Lily. Ever since I first saw you on Platform I knew that you were special. I was too young to know why my stomach swooped and my heart pounded every time I saw you. I was too young; I didn't know what it was and so when that happened around you I lost my mind. I acted like a git around you, I bullied your best friend because I was jealous of him and I laughed at you in order to try to get the feelings to leave. That didn't work and as I grew older I came to understand relationships between men and women. I still did not understand the butterflies and the sweaty palms that I got around you, Lily. So I decided to do what everyone else seemed to be doing. I asked you out. To be honest, I was surprised you turned me down. The possibility that you didn't have butterflies or sweaty palms had never occurred to me. It wasn't my arrogance; in fact later I came to realize that I could never do anything to deserve you. You are completely out of my league. It was my naïveté, my innocence as a young boy that made me believe that we were ever possible. You see, when it came to you, I always lost my reason. I got flustered, I messed up my hair, all because I had no idea how to get you to like me and I wanted you to like me so  _fucking_  much Lily. After the Snape incident fifth year, I knew I only brought you pain and heartbreak and I knew it was time to put aside my dreams of a relationship with you because it would never become true and I knew you were too valuable to slip through my fingers. If you were too special to be my girlfriend, I wanted to at least aspire to friendship with you. I used to worship you Lils.

"But as my relationship with you grew Lily, I knew that what I had wasn't some crush. I'm in love with you Lily. Being your friend taught me more about love than being your boyfriend ever could. I still worship you in some way. I can't help the fact that I love the way you laugh or draw pictures of Sirius with and eye patch and a curly moustache. But now I have seen what makes you human. I know that you suck at Transfiguration, that you secretly indulge in sugar quills and that sometimes you snort when you laugh. But guess what? These things have made me fall even more in love with you. Isn't that what love is, Lily? Knowing the deepest, darkest things about each other but staying with them because you get heart palpitations and trembly legs and mess your hair up because you're nervous?

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I would like you to give us a chance. I was willing to let this slide. I was prepared to let go of all dreams of you ever being my girlfriend. It was hard, but I knew that living without you in my life would be even harder. I was willing to swallow the heart in my throat and ignore the butterflies and shave my hair off so that I couldn't mess it up anymore. I wouldn't let you affect me like that. But today you gave me hope. There is a chance that you might say yes and I'm going to ask before I lose all my nerve after spilling all my guts out to you. Lily Evans, will you go to Hogsmeade with me tomorrow? On a date?"

Lily had stood up during my speech, her eyes fixed on his. She approached him slowly and his heart pounded as she came closer and closer. James' hands twitched, aching to mess up his hair. "Did you skip History of Magic in order to write that speech?" she asked. Her tone seemed amused but James couldn't tell. This was not the reaction he had expected. His guts were lying on the floor in front of her and she had his heart in her hands (metaphorically of course. That does not change the fact that James was worried for his health).

"I-I-I d-don't understand…" James stammered. His hand was starting to develop its own free will, inching towards the hair on his head.

"Well, you weren't in History of Magic and that was a pretty speech. It must have taken you the whole class period."

"Lily, I tried to come up with a creative idea but as soon as I looked at you everything left my head. I meant it when I said that I lose my head around you." For once he was being completely honest. He had to get it all out there so that she understood where he was coming from. She looked thoughtful, her eyebrows cocked, a hand on her hip and the fingers of her other hand tapping her lips in concentration.

"I'll go out with you on one condition James."

What is that?" James asked nervously, his mouth dry.

"You must promise to  _never_  shave your hair off. Even if it means you have to mess it up once in while."

James burst out laughing, relieved yet dazed that she had said yes. Lily joined in, clutching her sides and looping her arms around him and leaning into his chest in order to keep herself on her feet. James wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her for the first time in the six years that he had known her. And as James felt his heart swell with happiness, he vowed he would no longer pretend, because with Lily, that hole inside of him was filled and he felt complete. He was no longer that empty shell. He was James Potter: Head Boy, Quidditch Captain and most importantly, boyfriend of Lily Evans.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow my personal blog [here](http://deanlovescastielswormstache.tumblr.com) and my Marauders blog [here](http://snapsandprongsforever.tumblr.com).


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